I hate it when things are my fault. It's so easy to blame other people for things that have happened, but when its my fault, I really just feel like crap. This blog is supposed to be real, and as hard as it may be to talk about real hurts that are open for the world to see, I'll just go for it. Open and Honest, with myself and with God. I think thats where true change can happen, when things are out in the open. Anyway, Taylor and I got in a big fight this past weekend. It really was my fault for not saying how I really felt from the beginning, then things just kind of escalated from there. I wouldnt say my feelings were wrong, but how I handled it was wrong. Looking back, I would have done a lot of things differently. I am still really hurt from the whole situation. I think one of the hard things for me right now is dealing with someone who doesnt necessarily believe as I do. Let me explain...
Taylor and I are on the same page about a lot of things. We support each others goals in life, we enjoy some activities together and make each other laugh. We are comfortable with each other. We love our son and have similar thoughts on how we want to raise him. All of these things are super great! But I really have struggled with him not being a Christian. I think it has less to do with him and more to do with me though. I tend to be really hard on myself. So, like I said, this past weekend, it was my fault... Well, it takes two to tango but I guess it realy started with me... Now I have a lot of guilt for going a little crazy because I feel so much pressure to be a good Christian so that way I can lead my family to Christ. Talking to my bestie, Tori, always makes me feel better. Don't you just love the friends who have no judgment toward you whatsoever? If you dont have one, you should get one. I have done a lot better about talking to my friends about things I am going through. The worst thing you can do is go through hardships alone!! Anyway, Tori and Tara know almost everything about me and love me and support me unconditionally. I am a lucky girl! Ok, back to the point, Tori basically reassured me that I can get through this struggle and that its not up to me to be perfect to make people come to the Lord. Thats Gods job. And although I can do my part, by praying and being faithful, I cant force someone to do something. I think what I really need is to get right with God for myself, and be faithful that God will keep his promises. God just reassures me to be close to him and to continually pray. So, thats something I am working on. I think the worst part of it all is that I let satan feed me lies. Lies hes told me before, lies that I know are lies but I believe them anyway. Lies like, this marriage is gonna fail, I am a horrible wife, Taylor regrets marrying me, I am too crazy... Theres worse probably but for blogs sake, Ill keep those to myself.
On another note, I started my bible study, which is much needed! Maybe thats why I got so upset so easily... because I hadnt been disciplined in the word! I really like the women at my table this semester. One girl has a daughter who is Landons age so hopefully we can have play dates! I like that these women are real. Some of them talked about difficulties they have in their marriages or with their husbands. It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one. Satan wants us to feel alone, but God brings hope in fellowship. I am so thankful! I am thankful that I can confide in these women and that they will pray for me and that they understand what I am going through. I cried at the table today. And I NEVER cry in front of people! But its just hard sometimes to get real with yourself and your situation and understand that this is going to be a process. I dont know how long it will take but I know God is on my side.
Other than that, Christmas break was really good and relaxing. School started up today too. So, I am up for another busy semester. Hopefully I can manage everything! I am so ready to be done with school and start my career! Just a year and a half to go... Lets do this!
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