Time Management

Well, a lot of things have been going on. First, to address Taylor and mines fight... its definitely over and has been for a while. Thank God. But there are things we can both work on. Like any relationship, there are ups and downs, misunderstandings, and the business of life seems to take over. This is very true of me. Business of life takes over and I have meltdowns. Thankfully, we dont fight a lot and have a really good relationship... but there are still lots we can work on. My meltdowns, for example. I like to do a lot of self reflecting. Things I realize I am doing wrong and things that my loved ones point out to me, all are subject for hard core self reflection. A problem I have is getting really overwhelmed. This causes me to lash out and become a psycho perfectionist. I end up hurting people around me, which is mainly Taylor. Poor guy. Thankfully, hes really understanding and brings me to grip with reality, only after I defend my position of coarse. I know there are things I can work on. I am not perfect. But with my personality, its extremely difficult to let things be the way I wouldnt do them. This, in turn, causes a lot of stress. Stress to get things done on time and in the right way. One of my best friends pointed out how stressed out I was and she lives 4 hours away and I am lucky to see her once a month. Taylor has also pointed out how stressed I am. But I dont know another way to be. Things really have to get done! And I have so many priorities, they are all fighting for the same number one spot! Actually number 2, because God will always be my number 1... even if I dont always treat him that way.

One thing I am trying to get better at is asking for help when I need it. I feel like I am a pretty open and honest person, (hence, this blog!) but theres always a part of me that feels like a failure if I cant do it all, or if I dont want to do it all. My mother in law, bless her beautiful heart, has been incredible with helping. Not only being there physically, but through emotional times too. She is going to take Landon for a week so I can work on homework, projects, and just have time to myself. Talking to her about it today, I actually got really excited! Time for myself. To do what I want when I want. On MY schedule.. Not anyone elses! WOW... precious time. Although I am very sad to ever leave my son, I think this will be good for me. There are so many things I want to do. Of coarse, my focus will be on school... but once I am done with that I can clean the whole house, go get a massage, watch a movie, sleep in, spend a day at the mall, organize my closet, donate old clothes, read for fun, paint my nails, take a long bath, do something crafty... oh, the possibilities are endless! A whole week all to myself!

One of my friends recently gave me quite the compliment. We went out and she was trying to get me drink more and dance more. When I didnt abide by her definition of having fun and going out she yelled at me with frustration, "Who ARE you?!?!" I take this as a compliment. I am SO thankful to not be the same person anymore. I feel an internal change, like people wouldnt really notice that I was much different. I still enjoy some of the same things, have the same hobbies and interests. I feel like there are things that I have changed that only I would notice. For example, I mainly listen to Christian music, I am more aware of how I dress, I try to not watch certain shows... Just small things like that. But for one of my best friends to see me in a different light was really intense, and definitely a good thing. Not that I am doing these things for attention, but it just shows that I have really begun a new life.

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am happy with the person that I have become. I have lots to work on, but I am finally free from my past and my hurts. This verse is perfect for where God has put me the past few years. I feel confident in my faith, and for the first time, I feel like I am doing what is right in the eyes of God. Its such an amazing feeling. I feel like my faith cannot be shaken. (Thats not a challenge, God!) Anyway, I guess I am just really grateful. There is a lot on my plate, and I do get overwhelmed very easily. But God has brought me this far... I am doing the best I can. I know my hard work is paying off. I have a happy baby, a happy husband, a 4.0 GPA, great friends and family, and such wonderful sisters in Christ I can turn to!!! What more could a girl want? Ok, I want a dog! HAHA.... but seriously, I have everything I need and so much more. I am so blessed. And God deserves all of the glory!!

A year of LOVE

 I can't believe it's been a year since Landon has been born. I can't imagine my life without him. This year has brought me so much joy! Looking back on all the things he's done I just can't believe he's come so far and grown so fast! I can remember taking him home from the hospital. He slept all the time.  I remember the closeness we had when I breastfed him. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to take care of him. I remember his first bath and his first coo, his first smile and when he rolled over. I remember him scooting across the floor. Now hes officially a toddler and almost walking! WOW! I remember when I first brought him home I was overwhelmed with emotions. I remember holding him and crying because I loved him so much. How can you love someone so much? It really just reminds me of Gods love for us. I am doing a bible study on Jesus and I feel like I can really relate to Mary. I see Landon and feel my love for him and think that he is just so special. My firstborn son. So precious and perfect.

My best friend and I recently got in an arguement. I think mainly because she wasnt used to the changes I have made in my life. I had to explain that my life was different. I'd like to say I am the same but that would be a lie. I am different. I am happy that I am. God changed me and my heart. I have been saved. I never knew what that meant. I actually used to make fun of people who used the word "saved".  Like, what the heck does saved even mean? Saved from what? Saved by who? For me, being saved means being free. I am saved from the binds of my own insecurity. I feel at peace with my life. Even though things may get hectic, Landon might be fussy, I might be super busy, Taylor might annoy me... Nothing can rain on my parade! I feel like God has equiped me to live this life I am living. If I stay on his path, then I can fight through anything that is thrown my way.

I didn't know what my life was going to be like as a mom.. But I feel like now I can't imagine not being a mom. I feel like God has completely given me everything that I need in order to fulfill this task. Motherhood has saved me and I am so grateful for that! I love my life and my family!

Birthday boy is up from his nap... Its lunch time then play time with my precious one year old! He's not a baby anymore!

A daily dose of Crazy...

I hate it when things are my fault. It's so easy to blame other people for things that have happened, but when its my fault, I really just feel like crap. This blog is supposed to be real, and as hard as it may be to talk about real hurts that are open for the world to see, I'll just go for it. Open and Honest, with myself and with God. I think thats where true change can happen, when things are out in the open. Anyway, Taylor and I got in a big fight this past weekend. It really was my fault for not saying how I really felt from the beginning, then things just kind of escalated from there. I wouldnt say my feelings were wrong, but how I handled it was wrong. Looking back, I would have done a lot of things differently. I am still really hurt from the whole situation. I think one of the hard things for me right now is dealing with someone who doesnt necessarily believe as I do. Let me explain...

Taylor and I are on the same page about a lot of things. We support each others goals in life, we enjoy some activities together and make each other laugh. We are comfortable with each other. We love our son and have similar thoughts on how we want to raise him. All of these things are super great! But I really have struggled with him not being a Christian. I think it has less to do with him and more to do with me though. I tend to be really hard on myself. So, like I said, this past weekend, it was my fault... Well, it takes two to tango but I guess it realy started with me... Now I have a lot of guilt for going a little crazy because I feel so much pressure to be a good Christian so that way I can lead my family to Christ. Talking to my bestie, Tori, always makes me feel better. Don't you just love the friends who have no judgment toward you whatsoever? If you dont have one, you should get one. I have done a lot better about talking to my friends about things I am going through. The worst thing you can do is go through hardships alone!! Anyway, Tori and Tara know almost everything about me and love me and support me unconditionally. I am a lucky girl! Ok, back to the point, Tori basically reassured me that I can get through this struggle and that its not up to me to be perfect to make people come to the Lord. Thats Gods job. And although I can do my part, by praying and being faithful, I cant force someone to do something. I think what I really need is to get right with God for myself, and be faithful that God will keep his promises. God just reassures me to be close to him and to continually pray. So, thats something I am working on. I think the worst part of it all is that I let satan feed me lies. Lies hes told me before, lies that I know are lies but I believe them anyway. Lies like, this marriage is gonna fail, I am a horrible wife, Taylor regrets marrying me, I am too crazy... Theres worse probably but for blogs sake, Ill keep those to myself.

On another note, I started my bible study, which is much needed! Maybe thats why I got so upset so easily... because I hadnt been disciplined in the word! I really like the women at my table this semester. One girl has a daughter who is Landons age so hopefully we can have play dates! I like that these women are real. Some of them talked about difficulties they have in their marriages or with their husbands. It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one. Satan wants us to feel alone, but God brings hope in fellowship. I am so thankful! I am thankful that I can confide in these women and that they will pray for me and that they understand what I am going through. I cried at the table today. And I NEVER cry in front of people! But its just hard sometimes to get real with yourself and your situation and understand that this is going to be a process. I dont know how long it will take but I know God is on my side.

Other than that, Christmas break was really good and relaxing. School started up today too. So, I am up for another busy semester. Hopefully I can manage everything! I am so ready to be done with school and start my career! Just a year and a half to go... Lets do this!