I am a Christian

I am a Christian. I believe everything the bible says. Some would say I am naive or just a follower. People might call me judgmental or critical or a hypocrit. They would ask me why I believe in a God who lets bad things happen to good people. They would want to know how I believe in something I cant see or that hasnt been "proven". If God is good then why do we suffer? Why would God want a relationship with us anyway? Was Jesus real? Did he perform miracles? What about scientific "facts" such as the big bang theory or string theory?

People like this often frustrate me because if they only knew how I feel or what I have experienced will they knooowww God. You see, I am married to such a person. A skeptic. One who questions everything. Who asks these sorts of questions. I believe that if you dont feel like you need God then you wont want him. I NEED God. I need him all day, every day, no matter where I am or who I am with or what I am doing. I NEED GOD. I found this out the hard way. You see, I too didnt believe. Not until I was about 15 at least. Then I strayed away, as most, but not all, do. I strayed so far that I didnt even know who I was anymore. Dreams I had once had were lost in a huge mess I had made for myself. I thought I could control my own life. I wanted to take the wheel and I ended up driving straight off a cliff. Things I had sworn I would never do, I had done. Lost, confused, angry, upset, shameful, regretful... Ah, yes, those were the days.

So needless to say, I was humbled. So humbled in fact, I got pregnant out of wedlock with an exboyfriend! How's that for a lesson well learned! I talk a lot about forgiveness, because thats what I think we all need. Its definitely something I needed. My whole purpose of this post, which I have been avoiding, if you couldnt already tell... is to say that my husband is not a believer. So he says. I know the bible tells us to not be unequally yolked. I prayed about this before we got married. I got a reassurance from God that it would all work out. I thought for sure by the time Landon was born we would have made some progress in that area. So its 10.5 months later and I feel like we have gotten no where.

Maybe thats a lie. I dont see it, but then again I dont know whats going on in Taylors heart, nor do I know what is going on in the spiritual realm of things. I do know one thing, this is frustrating. I am going to be honest. I dont want to act like my life is all sunshine and fairies all the time. My life is real. I want people to know that. I always thought that I would end up with a Christian guy, who would push me spiritually and pray and go to church with. I know that Gods plans are usually never my own, but always better. Its just hard because I see other people around him that have claimed to be unbelievers and who are now opening their eyes to the truth. Sometimes I feel like its my fault, or like I am not doing enough. I know that its unreasonable to think that but its still how I feel.

I guess I just feel a little hopeless at this point. I know I shouldnt but I dont know what to do and I am impatient. I am jealous of those people who have a Christian husband. Not that hes not a great husband, its just that that is a quallity I always wanted. Is that wrong?